A Quiet Mind...

Meet two of my Heroes. The big guy with four legs is "Boo", a Missouri Fox Trotter and Equine Assisted Therapy horse.  The guy leading him is Pat, my Instructor.  This duo has turned my life upside down over the last couple of weeks. 
I had planned to post here every day while this experiment was in process but I never seem to have the time!  Although it is not a long drive to the barn, the traffic has been horrific because the highway on my route is under construction.  Damn those orange cones!  It's a double edged sword, the highway definitely needed work but the idiot drivers out there sharing the road with the rest of us make it a truly unpleasant experience.  I get really tense in heavy traffic especially when so many people ignore the "left lane ends ahead" sign and then cause a traffic jam in the middle of nowhere because they are trying to squeeze in at the last minute.  I mean, really, if I can read the sign and follow the directions I would assume a "normal" person could do it better :)

The point is this: I have trouble figuring out how to schedule my time.  I'm always running late. It takes a while for Chrissy and I to get ready to leave what with changing into blue jeans and boots, remembering to take ice water along, and covering all the miscellaneous details. I just can't seem to gauge how long it's going to take even though I've been doing it for a couple of weeks now.  My inability to figure out what time we have to leave almost always gets us tied up in traffic. My anxiety level starts to rise, I get terribly impatient, and the STRESS sets in.
 
I would drive through flood waters to get to that barn and the white horse waiting for me there.  He has become my friend and a source of relief from the physical pain and mental frustration I live with almost constantly.  He is trustworthy and comforting and I am finally experiencing what I can only assume to be the equal of a "runner's high".  Riding Boo provides me with a time and space of my own to leave my worries behind and turn down the volume in my head.  Pat or Chrissy lead him so I don't really have to worry about where we're going.  I've learned to relax enough that most of the time I do not have a tight grip on the saddle but allow my hands to rest on each side of the horn. "Relaxed but Ready!" is the mantra I hear from Pat's soft and soothing directions.  I just sit and enjoy the gentle rocking of Boo's steady gait. I concentrate on breathing with his hoof steps and becoming tuned in to his natural rhythms.

When I first started riding it was hard to keep from conversing with Pat about all of the day to day "stuff".  I'm a talker and always have been.  It's the way I work things out in my head.  Now... conversation is almost an intrusion in that "quiet place".  I'm developing a quiet mind.  Before this program began I can honestly say I had no idea what it felt like.  My mind has always been this way. I have A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder) and now with the brain injury it's like having "A.D.D. on Steroids"! My brain runs at high speed constantly, flitting from one subject to the next, seldom resting. My thoughts must look like a hummingbird in flight, zipping from one blossom to the next while batting it's wings like crazy just to stay aloft. 

Riding has allowed me to experience for the first time in my life a kind of self-induced peacefulness.  Can you say "Ohm"?  Yes, I'm aware of the obvious facts...I'm sitting on top of a 1200 pound animal that could startle or stumble at any moment. Boo is after all, a prey animal.  He is calm and easy going for the most part but he is always aware of his surroundings.  He is not fond of the beeping car horns of friendly neighbors as they drive by.  He is always on the look out for the "lion in the tall grass"...even if it's just one of the family dogs chasing a rabbit.  He seems to know just when and where to adjust his step to avoid the slick spot that might cause him to lose his footing. I can feel him tense during those times just as he can feel the slightest stiffening of my muscles.  Most of the time I get the feeling Boo is just as concerned for my safety as his own. 

I am not afraid on the back of this horse.  In fact,  I am sometimes so relaxed that I "startle" just a little when he takes the occasional misstep, or responds to an unexpected noise or movement in the grass.  Even so, I have learned to relax and trust his instincts and I am amazed at how easy this part of the journey has been. I am amazed at my own reactions!  I have never felt a moment of panic when Boo spooks or is startled. Even my daughter (who has taken to "mothering" me") is impressed.

Yes, I do need the constant coaching of my daughter and my Instructor to gently guide me and remind me check my "center" and to watch for the first signs of pain, spasm, or aching. They have to remind me to get off this gentle ride before I get too tired. Do you have any idea how amazing it is that I am so unaware of my own pain that I must be reminded to check for it?   I feel truly blessed to be involved in this experience, to have the loving guidance of people who are quietly cheering me on, and to have met this horse who never fails to show patience and compassion both during and after I ride.  His soft nuzzles on my neck are better than any massage.

The extra bonus....my drive home, no matter how heavy the traffic, doesn't stress me out!  I am sleeping deeply and for longer periods of time after I ride.  I'm taking less medication and having less pain.  My brain remains calmer and more centered for hours afterward.  I am definitely feeling the benefits of Equine Assisted Therapy for Adults!  The only drawback?  I'm just too relaxed and calm to post to my blog every day.  I don't want to think too hard...it might take away my "Zen" mood :)

A Life without Jewelry...is it even possible for me?

I've been wondering for a while if I should take a little time off from jewelry design. So I made a list of "pros" and "cons"...

Pros: Time to get my house in order, organize my files, spend more time with my family, write about non-jewelry subjects. Spend much needed time taking care of ME (Doctor's orders), My dear husband, and my Dear Daughter. Try NEW things! Spend more time playing with my dogs.(I have one, a rescue, who doesn't know how to play. We need to teach her!) De clutter my life....the list goes on and on.

Cons: Lost sales, loss of "my place" in the jewelry community, loss of my Identity as a creative jewelry designer, less stress, less paperwork, less pressure to keep up with my creative friends.

The Con list is short but that doesn't mean it's less important. I've worked hard to create a small following of loyal clients both online and locally. I'm afraid to walk away, even for a little while from this passion and my "jewelry identity". It is still fairly new to me and very precious.  I spent 45 years as a "left brainer" with a Type A personality.  This new version of me - the one since my brain injury - is the "right brainer" and I'm still getting used to the "new Adrienne". How do I find the courage to just walk away?

The real question here is "How long can I continue to run this business without sacrificing my health and home?" The second,  a nagging presence in the back of my mind.... "Is this what I'm supposed to be doing right now?" What is God's plan for my life in this moment in time? I need to find out.

Something has to give. I'm afraid my Muse is getting rather bored and even a little rusty! It seems I spend more time working on the "business stuff"...you know, taxes, paperwork, photographing my work, writing up descriptions, and filing, filing, filing! The creative, fun, therapeutic side of my art has been lost in the business. My Muse is feeling neglected and ignored. I used to spend so much time playing with my designs, enjoying the creative process, learning new techniques. I literally dreamed up jewelry designs in my sleep! Making jewelry was and is a healing process for me. It's the "selling jewelry" portion of this business I dread and deplore.

Having looked carefully at my lists I have been thinking a sabbatical from the rat race of photographing, listing, selling, mailing, figuring out fees would be good for me. I had planned to start the new year way back in January with a fresh new logo, and lots of brand new listings, networking and advertising galore. Then...

Life got really big in my house. In the fall just before the holidays my body just hit "the wall", a term my husband uses quite often. The side effects of a Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, Fibromyalgia, a severe Vitamin D Deficiency and Chronic infections caught up and dragged me down. Just surviving the holidays was a great accomplishment! Sales were pathetic because advertising, listing, and networking was under par. My bad.

In March, just as I was beginning to regain a little energy, my daughter was badly burned in a cooking accident at home. I launched myself into cleaning wounds and changing bandages. Although she recovered much faster than anyone predicted and I am so very grateful for that gift, physically I was back in the same worn down condition.

April came and I thought Spring would provide lift and inspiration! It did provide inspiration. Unfortunately I developed terrible pain in my legs, back and pelvic regions. I couldn't walk! Finally I gave in and went to the Emergency Room only to be admitted for a battery of tests that resulted in few answers. Bone loss, bulging disks in my spine, and arthritis have taken hold. I spent a couple of weeks on ice packs and pain pills then decided I was too darned young to be benched on the sidelines of my own life.

Then it was discovered my husband is also a Traumatic Brain Injury Survivor!  The cause of his injury occurred before we met and the symptoms had always been there, we just were not able to recognize them for what they were. I was so efficient in handling the details, organizing, and running the family we didn't realize he had lost the ability to do those things until I no longer could.  Our lives began to fall apart and I couldn't understand why.  Now I "get it"!  He is just like me :)  Although I'm glad we finally know and understand the "why" we now have to figure out the "how" of managing a home with three brain injured adults living under the same roof. Can you say S-T-R-E-S-S!?  LOL!

A serendipitous opportunity came my way! My daughter, a former disabled rider in a local Equine Assisted Therapy Program was asked to assist our friend Pat with an experimental program. They needed her assistance with the horses. While speaking with Pat, a NAHRA certified instructor and horse owner, I found that he was offering this therapy program at no expense to three riders he would choose to participate. He would use his own well trained horses, on his property, and he would be the only instructor. The riders would spend as much time riding during the month of May as possible. The reason for this experiment was to find the answer to one question...Would riding a therapy horse more often and for longer periods of time be more beneficial to the handicapped or disabled riders? Most programs offer clients/riders one therapy session per week lasting approximately twenty to thirty minutes. We've all heard "less is more" but it is true in this situation? Maybe "more is better" in the world of Equine Therapy.
Pat's theory had even captured the attention of local hospitals and therapists. He and I were working out the details of Chrissy's volunteer time..what days he would need her help, how many hours per day, etc. when I asked him how many riders he had lined up. He told me he had two riders lined up but was looking for another. The two were both children with different forms of Autism. The mothers of the children would be required to keep a daily journal of the progress or problems they would observe during this experiment.

I really don't know what made me do it but I suddenly asked if he would consider taking on an adult rider with multiple issues....me. After a moment of surprised consideration he agreed. It would be interesting to see the benefits or problems I would experience with my own physical and mental challenges and it would be interesting to get the responses directly from the "rider" rather than from the mother's point of view. As an adult I could voice my own feelings, fears, opinions and progress - something that had yet to be considered.

After committing to the month long program I realized I was TERRIFIED! I wasn't comfortable around horses, hadn't ridden since I was just a small child, and started to question whether I could even handle the riding exercises in my physical condition. I almost chickened out but Pat wouldn't let me and neither would my daughter!

So, in the end, I guess the decision was made for me. I would take a short break from my business for the month of May 2010 to experience something new. We'll see how I feel at the end of this experience. It's possible I will be ready to jump back into my business...or not. I may discover freedom in stepping forward to try something new and relief in taking a step back from the "normal",

I'll keep you posted. In the meantime I won't be listing new products, or taking new orders. I'll be listening to my inner spirit and hopefully discovering new inspiration. See you soon!

(Note: I originally posted this a few weeks ago but somehow managed to post it to a different page. If you've read my post Meeting Boo...the first day of riding you have already seen the first post about the actual experience. Have I confused you completely? If so, I completely understand :) The important thing is that you understand...this post should have come first. After you read it you may want to click on the link and read about my first experience with riding Boo......)

Vitamin D Deficient?

I try to eat healthy, spend as much time outdoors as I possibly can, and stay up to date on the latest "stay healthy" information.  When my mother suggested I have my Vitamin D level checked I didn't think much about it.  I had my Vitamin D level checked a few years ago and it was "fine" according to my primary care doctor.

As many of you know I have a Mild Traumatic Brain Injury and it's easy to attribute many of my physical and mental symptoms to that condition.  Recently I had a little health scare which required an MRI of the brain and a boat load of lab work.  All of the results available to my doctor earlier this week was A-OK!  Great news right? YeeHaw!

Today I got a call from my Neurologist office with the results from my Vitamin D test.  According to her office they like to see at least a level of 50 or more with optimal levels being around 80.  Now I'm not a doc so these numbers don't mean much to me.  I'm thinking "50 what"?  But I don't need to know the scientific breakdown to know that being within the "normal range" is a good thing.  As it turned out my lab results showed my Vitamin D level at 8.  Dangerously low.  Prescription required and retesting again in four months to make sure I'm at least back in the "normal range. 

"What happens if I'm not back within normal ranges?"  I ask.
The nurse says, "We take a more agressive approach."  
Hmmm.  What does that mean?  I don't know and right now it's not important to me.  One day at a time I'll deal with this but in the meantime I did a little research on my own.  Holy cow!  I had no idea how much trouble a body can experience when it is deficient in Vitamin D or how prevalent this condition is becoming in the general public! 

I've attached a web link to the title of this post.  Please take the time to read the article!  If you have any of these symptoms then I would strongly encourage you to talk to your doctor about having a simple blood test. 

This is not something you can "self-diagnose" but you must be self aware.  No one knows your body as well as you do but it's easy to assume that you're tired because of overwork, lack of sleep, or stress.  We like to think there is nothing seriously wrong.  But why take a chance when it's something that could be easily addressed? 

I'm climbing down off of my soapbox now :)  I know this is not what you might expect to read on this blog but sometimes I have to share information for the greater good.  If just one reader of this blog is helped because of this post then I've done something to help.  It will not sell my jewelry and it will not further the popularity of my designs, and it might be considered right down boring. So be it.

A shout out is required here to my mom....Thank you! You are hearby granted a pass to "gloat" (a little) and you have every right to say "I told you so!" Enjoy this moment Mom :)  You've earned it!